| Introduction
I would firstly like to stress that I am not a former disgruntled Starchaser employee; all I want to do is bring to you the truth. This joke of a company has set-up in our once fine town of Cheshire and I for one want them gone as they are making the North West a laughing stock. The Starchaser programme is unfortunately a sham, nothing more and nothing less, so let’s go over the facts. I have to admit that when I first heard about this project I so much wanted to believe that this would happen, then I did some research and in this article is what I found. If you don’t believe any of this then do a little research of your own and you will also find the truth.
I am not in anyway a malicious person, but I will keep on bringing you the truth until starchaser industries is no more, which will be soon hopefully.
About Starchaser
Starchaser Industries would founded in 1992 by current CEO Steve Bennett after he had a mid life crisis. Although claiming to be “at the vanguard of the new commercial space industry” I could say that you can dip a gorilla in TipEx and it makes it a polar bear in that case. Starchaser claims on its web site that the space tourism industry forecast to be valued at around $5 billion by 2010, well its 2008 now and the market is worth about as much as the value of four rotten turnips and a car battery from a 1986 Ford Escort. But it may increase by 5,000,000,000% over the next two years, who knows… definitely not Bennett anyway.
Starchaser Industries has grown from a volunteer group to a focused and well-motivated team consisting of both full-time and part-time employees, and volunteers. The core team consists of HNC qualified personnel in leaf arranging. They also boast to have experience in all aspects of rocket engine development (like old pipes), ignition systems (like matches) and rocket construction (like taping disused loo roll tubes together). The union jack features heavily on vehicle designs, a clear sigh of imperialism and I don’t believe is a good beacon of opening up global space access for all mankind.
The claim to fame is that during the ansari xprize Starchaser industries considered themselves the second team in the whole world behind Burt Rutans scaled composites, these are just plain lies. Looking at it the truth is that they were somewhere near the bottom, even beneath the Romanian team who had the idea to launch a vehicle into space using the power of a ground based super high power laser beam. And even behind a team that claimed to be able to ferry truck loads of people into space in a spacebus! I’ll give the example of a friend of mine who built a small working model jet engine, it cost him £600.00 to build and it worked very well. However, I don’t believe he would be naive enough to then think that he could go on and build a Boeing 747 and fly passengers to New Zealand in it. We all sometimes want to believe a fool, well look at the church of Mormon for example.
However, believe it or not the company claims that two people (Idiots) have supposedly paid them £250,000 to become the firstStarchaser astronauts. The only people who I believe would be stupid enough to paid them this money is Mr. Zippy and Mr Bunngle, by the way those people, if they exist will never see that money ever again. Put it this way if given the option, I would rather spend quarter of a million pound of my own money on fine art and then light said fine art on fire rather than give it to Starchaser. But this does prove one thing I suppose is that the more money you have equals the less sense.
Steve Bennett
The CEO of Starchaser Steve Bennett is not a scientist, engineer, businessman or even a gentleman he is a former refuelling person from the Army. He has many tattoos from is army days including one saying (I want to slit your throat and F**K the wound). He is also not in anyway intellectual and in my personal opinion perhaps all of those fuel fumes one day made something inside his head click a little differently. So is this the man with the personality of a cricket ball been called forth by God to develop technology that it took some of the finest minds in the world decades to perfect?
Figure 1. Bennett squatting down by an old pipe with a red thing on the end, incidentially this shot really brings out his man boobs quite well
US, Russian and European Astronauts/Cosmonauts ‘the right stuff’ are some of the fittest and most intelligent people in the world, well the first British Astronaut or perhaps that should be Shittish Astronaut such as Bennett is the opposite of the right stuff. Themindset of this man is that he believes that he will go really high in a fast jet in South Africa and have a paid holiday while he’s out there and everywhere Steve Bennett trains he goes on company money and has a nice holiday. Next it was I’ll go to Star City in Russia where they put you into a big machine to simulate gravitational forces and it squeezes me so much it’s like having a simulated one-on-one with UK Porn star Kathy Barry, “meanwhile my minions think that I am a hero, and that I can shoot lightening bolts out of my finger tips and urinate fine French wine”.
I know I’ll be Tom Cruise from Top Gun and ride around the streets of Cheshire on a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and they will all think that I am a real American hero, where in fact it really pisses people off. A conversation that I recently overheard from two old women at the bus stop when Bennett once rode past one morning:
- Old woman 1: Look there goes Top Gun again.
- Old woman 2: More like Spud Gun.
So is Bennett the Top one in sixty million Brits to become the peoples Astronaut? On the web site it says that if you’d like to bookStarchaser’s founder and CEO, Bennett, please book early as availability is limited to a given number of dates throughout the year, wow how lucky we all are. So we could get Bennett to babble on about Space with things such as did you know Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and in space you weigh nothing or we could get Phil the Plummer who runs a successful business. I would prefer the latter and I would rather hear Phil go on about ball valves for two days straight than Bennett go on about Space for 5µsecs. But some saddos once even took the time to write a song about him, I will find a copy of this and post it on the site, it was so funny I lost 18kg in weight laughing at it so much. Another disturbing fact is that recently Mr Steven,Bennett,1 Chancel Close,Dukinfield, Cheshire, SK16 5RP, 07961 462422, sbennett@starchaser.co.uk appeared on the BNP list of members that was recently published (after he was found out he also tried to deny any associationm but Bennett is a well know member of the BNP). This far right wing racist organisations key membership is made up of white, pathetic, fat and useless male morons, notice any similarities.
Figure 2. Bennett standing next to a monstrosity , contemplating his evil plan with a sick f**king smile on his face (also look at the naff stance from a German seventies porno except for the appalling smell of body odder)
I remember seeing a documentary about Bennett on BBC 2 one night sitting in a ‘real life’ spacecraft that his team had built, lets just say that Blake 7 was more realistic. The patronising basic space facts that this fool was coming up with during the interview which included, a rocket fly’s upwards into…SPACE really fast and in space you can’t breathe because there is no air, so you’ll need a rocket and a spacesuit. Maybe he talks to his workers like this? This patronising twit made me want to throw my tea at the telly, or better still, mash steamy turds into his face.
The impossible Dream
So if you were going to take on the impossible to build a space vehicle which would fly into space, who would you firstly ask to support the effort? Perhaps some of the real professional scientists and engineers who took part in the British/Australian space programme during the sixties, of which there are an abundance maybe? Oh I forgot there are plenty of graduates (and I use the term loosely) from Salford Universities B.Sc in Physics with Space Technology. So being paid £9,650 a year (less money than working full time in Burger King) to play ‘rocket scientist’ sounds good. And it will make Bennett look really good for securing employment for graduates that can’t even get a job cleaning out dumpsters with high pressure water jets.
However, these people can do experiments such as finding if it is true that a supersonic red hot burning human skull can really smash through a barn roof and whether it could explode on contact. A potential ‘good’ project if there was a failure during re-entry? The Starchaser Interview for new candidates comes in four/five sections:
- Can you count from one to ten …backwards?
- Can you do the two and three times tables…with the words and not just the tune?
- Can you hold your breath for more than six minutes?
- Do you know duck and cover?
- Female candidate only question, would you be prepared to go topless for grinning Bob?
If you can do all of these then you are in. Salford University just to note is a poorly performing uni, which should really be a local college offering courses such as Spanish for IDIOTS, or VERY basic mechanics for youth offenders, and coping in the real world for DUMMIES. I know people who have visited on open days and said that it was like a comprehensive school!
They even opened a Starchaser museum in Seacombe on the Wirral which has things such as rockets made from discarded toilet roll tubes, and even a huge rocket on the ceiling made from a cardboard roll that was used for a new carpet to go around. Even Paypalentrepreneur Elon Musk founder of spacex which is a successful space business said that he feels more threat that a lunatic with a box of frogs will launch a rocket to compete with his business than Starchaser Industries ever will.
The Vehicles to take Mankind into the Heavens
So at first there were a few rockets named Starchaser, which to be honest you can get bigger display fireworks for Guy Fawkes night. A rocket even smashed into the ground and started a huge grass fire which was difficult to control. Then the NOVA rocket which was going to launch Bennett into a 120km apogee sub orbital flight trajectory way back in 2003 barely managed the climb to 3000ft above sea level only another 357,000ft to go there guys. And due to the landing mechanism failure the impact with the earth would have cracked Bennett open like an egg on Pancake Day. The NOVA rocket is just a large firework which is often hauled around on a big truck and it goes up for the opening of things like McDonalds and KFC restaurants. They also act as Chav magnets, for some reason Chav’s like big rocket things that promise to blow up.
Then there was the Thunderbird programme a rocket which was then going to win the xprize, a vehicle which was more complex than the space shuttle and Ariane 5 put together and was going to cost £3million to build! Just as a note the space shuttle toilet cost $15miliion to build. Then some bright spark decided to copy the NASA Mercury Redstone vehicle from the fifties and that the spanking new design will not be engineered using state of the art CAD software we will leave it up to some drop out art student. We’ll convince the public using the old you don’t wear a condom unless your going to have intercourse trick and buy some used rubbishy old Sokol Russian space suits which smell heavily of urine and that will convince them that we ARE going into space.
Figure 3. Yep they think that they can build this, I think that NASA would even struggle to put something that complex together
And when that didn’t work it was I know lets now build a space plane, god damn it the European Space Agency who have the combined brain power of Scotland could not do it with the Hermes project but Starchaser will do it as we have the combined IQ of…a tomato plant. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if when they can’t do that they will decide that we’ll build a UFO, if the greys (supposedly alien entities) can do it with the combined brain power of every human that had ever lived, then Starchaser can with some old pipes, a bit of two by four, a magnet and some glue on sparkles.
A Typical Starchaser Space Mission
It is true that Starchaser Industries are working on two concepts for the purpose of Space Tourism, try not to laugh too much here:
- A 3 person reusable space capsule called Thunderstar which will be used for sub-orbital flights in excess of 100km;
- A vertically launched 8 seat sub-orbital space plane that could be upgradeable for orbital applications, which would probably involve elastic bands somewhere;
Both the capsule and the space plane design feature pressurised environments where the occupants will be further protected by means of Russian Sokol derived spacesuits. Both spacecraft will also be fitted with a Launch Escape System which uses 100% pure hydrogen peroxide propellant which is an obsolete technology. A little history lesson here is that this technology was pioneered by the Germans during world war two for propelling jet aircraft until they found that when it gets in contact with fabric, wood or skin for that matter it catches uncontrollably on fire causing the victim an untimely and ultimately painful death, and it is no longer used.
 
Figure 4. I knew that I had seen this so called capsule design somewhere before
Starchaser say that all critical systems will be automated and protected by redundant back up systems. Taking the above safety features into account, the survivability from a catastrophic failure of hardware is considered 100%. NASA for example could guarantee only a 98% probability of success during the space shuttle programme with a 2% chance of catastrophic failure resulting in the deaths of the entire crew, which was surprisingly accurate. The frequency of flight for any given Starchaser capsule or space plane system is said to be typically about once per week. So by my calculation that is an average of 3.4 deaths per year…yes that’s a pretty impressive body count stacking up over the life of the Starchaser programme, which would have top be 1000 years before it could make a profit.
So what do you get for £98,003?
All Starchaser passengers and flight crew will be required to pass a medical examination that will also include psychiatric screening, which involves running around a field in eight minutes while hillbillies hurl racist profanities calling you a filthy limey and a psychopath. The training will however take about two weeks and may be spread over several locations including:
1. Bennetts Loft (Really an Astronaut briefing room);
2. The Puddley allotment site (Really a Central Fitness Training Centre);
3. Barbara’s fancy dress costume shop (Really a Spacesuit fitting centre) be warned spangles on the spacesuit cost an extra £3;
4. Cheshire Woods (Really survival training for 12 nights, your on your own, hope you don’t run into any doggers);
It will also include emergency scenarios such as what to do if you catch on fire, holding your breath training and how to deal with living with third degree burns to the face, all making for unique selling points that competitors will be unwilling to match.
Mission scenario for sub-orbital flight profile using Capsule
So say they do build a rocket, Starchaser Astronauts will be seated in the spacecraft about one hour prior to lift off, like being strapped into their proverbial electric chairs so to speak. That Jackass Grinning Bob (who I despise by the way) who will be wearing a gimp mask because he has confused it with a face guard will try to think that he is a super cool hero dude at this point and give the passengers a salute. Secured by safety harnesses (seat belts from an old Nissian Micra) plug their life support umbilicals (washing machine tubing) and headsets (ear phones from a 1984 Sony Walkman) into the onboard systems (broken Chundy computers), which were nicked from a community centre.
Figure 5. The internal layout of the NOVA capsule, now I have to admit that it looks not too bad, until you reasise that the instruments which look to me like those found on a light aircraft will not work under the extreme speeds and altitudes experienced by a capsule during a parabolic space flight. And the thing with a pink ribbon is an ESTES control pad used for launching toy model rockets!
As the countdown commences and Thunderstar’s propellant tanks are filled with diesel and brought up to full pressure, using a rusty bicycle pump with a broken spring. The Starchaser ‘Astronaut’ on the other hand will busy himself running through the super secret’official’ checklist:
1. Lock capsule door using the handle from B&Q’s garden range;
2. Pray one last time to God;
3. Turn ignition key;
4. Place head between legs;
5. Kiss your arse goodbye;
However, Starchaser’s passenger Astronauts will be able to relax and take in the view from their own porthole windows, made from the plastic of old ferrero roche boxes. All doors will be locked at this point the capsule (made from a large chemical drum with an old radiator tied on it as a heat shield) starts to warm up.
Figure 6. The resulting huge explosion that will inevitably occur during each Starchaser mission, so I’d say that if it is your lifelong ambition and dream to be burned alive in explosive fuel then go for it.
Then it’s either a huge explosion which can be seen three counties over causing sheriff lobo to spit out his coffee or a slower combustion which results in the crew being gradually baked (like a big pressure cooker) but not to much, I like my meat medium rare. It’s pretty much the same thing if they build that space plane in which case unsuspecting passengers will have a coffin with wings on in instead.
Outreach
For an annual fee members get a few poxy magazines and some other crap, including a Starchaser mission patch, some Tesco carrier bags and whatever crap is lying around the office. Wow, join the club and you can log into a super secret members only area where you too can view some pictures of grinning Bob who is really a rocket science super genius with some crappy old pipes which are really state of the art rocket engines.
I might just do the same thing in that case, welcome to time travel web, pay me £12 a year and you too can see pictures of mysuper secret time machine taking shape, which is really just a dilapidated BT phone box and a design that I copied from that movie Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. And I know I’ll use the old you don’t wear a condom unless your going to have intercourse trick, latest news: I’ve just bought a scarf and hat from Oxfam and it makes me look like Sylvester McCoy I must therefore be a time traveller…I don’t think so. Or you could put away your money go to the national science museum for free and see some real feats of rocket engineering. And you could even spend the saving in membership money on a ride on the millennium wheel. Many Universities around the country also carry out similar research programmes into rocket engine technology which are far more advanced.
Figure 7. Yep we have to put if with crap like this on our streets on a daily basis, they even took the piss out of this rocket on the BBC television show Have I got News for You.
Yes it is true that Starchaser Industries does a lot in terms of encouraging school children to take interest in science and engineering. The outreach team visits over 200 schools and engages with over 150,000 school children every year. However, I could offer myself the same congratulations if I was to give some bum off the street a flagon of bow and get him to preach about science to school kids while intoxicated and then go off and build some water rockets before throwing up in the corner of the room. I would prefer the latter option if it was my choice of whom to inspire my children about science.
Figure 8. This tramp could probably teach science better when he is p*ssed out of his head than that clown Bennett could.
I recently laughed at one of the Starchaser employees (who I now call Forrest Gump) the other day in the chip shop, because he was wearing a bomber jacket with a lot of mission patches on it (which he had bought over the internet) and a big sign across the back saying mission specialist. I bet this same clown goes around these schools trying to beat his inferiority complex by ‘pretending’ he’s the right stuff in which children are the only ones who will believe him.
Publicity is very important to the space programme, NASA for example use Neil Armstrong to explain about future developments in their ongoing space exploration programme, ESA use frontline scientists, while at Starchaser they use bimbo trollop and page three glamour model Michelle Marsh straddled cow girl style across one of the rockets and rubbing her tits and arse on a capsule, very professional.
From the UK to the USA
The state of the art New Mexico operation is nothing more than a shop which sells poor quality t-shirts and ESTES rockets and a rubbishy office that they get some busybody to pester the local government to give them more US dollars. Friends of mine visited the shop while on holiday and they said that there was the weirdest hillbilly that they have ever seen was working there.
Figure 9. This guy actually works for starchaser US, wow what a high calibre employee and may I say nice teeth
It is not a state of the art research & development and rocket construction facility, which will some day employ hundreds of people, unless hillbilly Jeff has a few relatives that can build rockets, maybe his mum, daughter and sister, so that’s one more person then eh.
Diagnosis and Conclusion
It appears to me that this hopeless little man Bennett wanted to get some attention and pretend to be an astronaut, because NASA have rejected his application form for the tenth time. Everything seeps hopelessness, of a company whose staff have probably watched the movie Armageddon a few times too many. Will Bennett ever get into space, can a pig fly is the real question well it can if you put a rocket engine up its bum, but will he ever come back, hopefully not. Maybe this could be another Starchaser R&D project, what happens when a two hundred pound man falls from 300,000ft from space and smashes into the ground at mach eight? Here is a question for you:
Q: If you see a drunken bum dancing in the street, what is the best way to get him to stop dancing?
A: Don’t give him any money and don’t encourage him.
And the same applies to Starchaser Industries, don’t give them any money and don’t encourage them. In conclusion Bennett is a man who doesn’t realise that everyone is just laughing at him and not with him. Ask anyone in Cheshire about Starchaser Industries and the first thing you will get is a look of “oh those dumbasses” and then a little laugh. When most children are young all they want to be is an astronaut but by the time they reach the age of eight this dream dissipates due to the reality that becoming an astronaut is a very rare occurrence. Bennett is a man who is in his fifties and still has this childish dream, well there is one cue to break him out of it…a good shake, just enough so that it knocks some sense into him but not too much that he wets himself
Starchaser Images
So Starchaser have come up with designs which in theory can not and will not work, because in the real world there is something called laws of physics such as what goes up must come down and you can’t train pork. I mean in the eyes of Starchaser employees such as Grinning Bob, Weird Al, Jeff Wonky Face and Forrest Gump old pipes can in some ways be made to look like rocket engines if you paint them silver and bash them with a hammer all day. No I am not a rocket scientist and yes I only studied some mechanical/electrical engineering at college twenty something years ago but I do know one thing, you can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear, can you?
Figure 1. A T1 NASA rocket engine (left) and a potential Starchaser super top secret supply of rocket engines (right) rusty old pipes nicked from the Binley industrial estate
 
Figure 2. A tested NASA rocket engine (left) and a Starchaser tested engine (right)
For example the skirts of the rocket engine are usually made from a nickel super alloy which can take temperatures in excess of 1,400°C and not stainless steel which is what Starchaser engines are usually made from. And also rusty old pipes will never be a substitute for real rocket engines made from on average six hundred individual components as it can be seen from figure 2. But wait a minute; maybe Starchaser workers are so smart that they can easily reinvent the wheel? No let’s face facts they cannot. I mean it took a team of eighty individual people to design/test and build a 250mm diameter porthole on the Mercury Redstone vehicle back in the 1950’s, while Starchaser think that they can build something with huge windows which were probably designed to be made from the windows of a Gregs bakery as shown in figure 3.
 
Figure 3. The Thunderbird which is apparently made out of plastic and superglue adhesive, in which the thin neck between the capsule and propulsion stage would cause excessive pogo vibration, unless it’s built out of some sort of Kryptonite material which can somehow absorb atmospheric phenomenon.
I think that I would rather travel into space riding on the back of the corpse of Richard Whitely than that thing shown in figure 3 any day of the week. And if as I expect the next rocket they build flies, and by that I mean flies 5ft into the air before blowing up and kill all the animal and plant life in a loci around the launch site more efficiently than a cruise missile. I mean can NASA, ESA, JAXA or even anyone on Earth build a reusable sub orbital rocket? The answer is no because there is such a thing as creep induced failure and fatigue induced failure which is where over time the huge stresses and strains will result in catastrophic structural failure of the application. Each space shuttle for example has to undergo a mandatory inspection period for fatigue cracks before the next flight which can last weeks or even months. I am a non expert, but even I don’t think that we will have spaceships like the Jetsons had going to and from space anytime soon. Sometimes it is a good test of how smart a person is, in which a smart person would say that we know nothing about the world around us and tread careful. While on the other hand the very stupid know it all and rush into something that they cannot comprehend.
Figure 4. Image from Manchester evening news, showing the resulting catastrophe of the Starchaser 3 launch
But as shown in figure 4 after Bennett’s Starchaser 3’s short but dramatic flight on Dartmoor in 1998, when it crashed and set fire to the surrounding Mooreland, is etched into the minds of amateur rocketeers as a warning of what can go wrong. The Starchaser equation for predicting the rocket engine performance:
Figure 5. The only mathematical formula that Bennett has in his mind appart from “how many cheese strings can I fit into my fat mouth”?, rather than engine manifold equations and exhaust gas velocity calculations
Figure 6. The quote that I believe Bennett said here was “Yes the capsule window is made from my wife’s shaving mirror”.
For the NOVA capsule they had an unveiling with some press like people from the aerospace idiot monthly magazine and the Manchester evening news. In the middle of the room shrouded in a black cloth, the anticipation was intense and then it was finally unveiled, then there was the look of “what the f**k” and then the statement of “put the black cloth on again and get f**k out” was heard. Put it this way I would rather give my children away to some gypsies than witness the unveiling of a Starchaser monstrosity. As shown in figure 6 there was official black and yellow tape that the police put around a crime scene after a knifing on his capsule which was made from components which were probably found in a skip. You can even see Bennett’s shoe in the bottom right hand side of the picture…nice, indicating that there would probably be an unholy smell left inside the capsule afterward, I feel sorry for the poor bugger who unsuspectingly next takes a look inside. Would you want to go into space with him, well I’d rather throw my own excrement at the infirm, which is a definite NO.
So it’s like this, I could go onto any council estate around the country tomorrow and get the people there to build a rocket from burned out cars and stuff found in skips, they would probably build me a better rocket than Starchaser industries can build. I would also prefer to go into space in my bathers and blue suede shoes in a rocket built on a council estate than a Starchaser vehicle. You can also purchase through the means of a website called rocket stuff dot com Starchaser uniforms, I’m sorry if I wanted to look like a tit then I would shave my head bald and draw a big nipple on the back of it. Maybe I could suggest that on the back of the Starchaser T-shirts they write “please, if you read this then please blow my brains out now as I have no future”. If anyone has any pictures of the Starchaser team taken third hand and not from the Starchaser site as not to infringe copyright rules then please send them in as I would like to show you the twenty or so idiots who have the combined intelligence of Rod Hull (who is dead) and Emu (who is really Rod Hull’s hand inside an old sock).
Please read some of the poems that I wrote, they are not in anyway lude, also if anyone would like to write a few poems and send them in I will post them on this site. If I get enough maybe they could be published in a book, that would be good if it outsold Bennett’s autobiography.
Hog Fat Smoke Plume,
The smell of Hog Fat waved across the air,
From which direction did it come, no one did care;
Then as I looked upwards into the sky,
I saw a great plume of smoke one thousand feet high;
It was a summer day in the year two thousand and ten,
When I looked at my watch and I realised then;
That Steve Bennett of Starchaser Industries fame,
Had stood in front of a rocket engine and he’d gone up in flames;
Yes the smoke I was seeing was a magnificent sight,
And this was a mixture of kerosene and a man who was just full of shite;
The pressure of his lies had finally hit him with doubt,
And a rocket assisted suicide was poetically his only way out;
In the end this was a man who wanted to get into space,
As I laugh out loud at his demise with a smile on my face;
And all his workers all say “Steve we’ll see you around”,
Because now Bennett is a permanent stain on the ground;
Fart in a Thunderstorm
The rocket looked magnificent on that fine sunny May,
Little did they know of the carnage that would unfold later that day;
Simple Joe smiled as he tightened bolts on the port manifold,
And Forrest Gump loaded Kerosene into a tank which was rusty and old;
Grinning bob stood under the engine with a look of excitement on his face,
As he slightly peed his pants and his heart started to race;
Jeff Wonky Face played with some cables which he didn’t quite understand,
And Weird Al slammed a hammer down which broke all the bones in his hand;
Then out of a door Bennett walked like a moonpig on heat,
While passengers paced behind him although they were getting cold feet;
A wooden ladder had to be climbed to get into the capsule cockpit,
Where upon reaching in all were greeted with a strong smell of shit;
Before they knew what was going on the door was closed and locked,
Then without warning the capsule started to get hot;
Suddenly from below there was a huge burst of smoke,
And the Launch escape system failed to fire which was certainly no joke;
At this point the rocket was now an inferno of flames,
In which no one would see the three space tourists in one piece again;
Yes rockets can sometimes catch fire if their not treated right,
So don’t believe Bennett that its 100% safe as he is just full of shite;
Then there was a huge explosion which could be heard four counties away,
And the local folk of New Mexico started to say;
That those British can’t do anything right whatever they try,
And when there is a failure it is inevitable that people will die;
Grinning Bob’s eye brows were singed and he’d permanently lost his sight,
Then Forrest Gump ran over impressed by the short space flight;
So take heed of this poem and don’t always try to dare,
Because being too ballsy will not always make you a space millionaire;
Private rocket launch is ‘suicidal’. Steve Bennett: Thunderbirds are not go. Bennett tried to take legal action against the BBC when they published this story about him.
BBC News Online science editor Dr David Whitehouse wrote recently that British rocket experts are denouncing as suicidal the latest plans of controversial rocket engineer Steve Bennett. Just watch me. ‘Seeing is believing’, I say to my critics Said that idiot Bennett.
If he goes ahead with them, he could well be killed, and the burgeoning British rocketry effort will be permanently stuck on the launch pad, they warn. Their concerns were voiced as Bennett prepared to unveil his latest project, which he describes as the world’s first private spacecraft, at an exhibition in London.
He intends to become the first private astronaut to go into space with his own rocket. Within two years, he hopes to take two passengers into space with him. Critics are already calling it the “bye, bye, Bennett mission”.
Bennett’s latest development is the Nova capsule. Alongside it at the exhibition will be a larger capsule called Thunderbird, which Bennett hopes will take him, and the two passengers, into space. Bennett’s rockets have had some success but more failures. Other rocket experts are worried, not least because the Thunderbird capsule is actually a converted cement mixer, containing sheets of hardboard and a few computer joysticks.
“This is not like launching an off-the-shelf rocket to a few tens of thousands of feet,” said British rocket expert Richard Osborne. “Getting to the edge of space is a very different matter. You have to have expertise, experience, tonnes of money and then test, test, test.”
BBC News Online put these criticisms to Steve Bennett. He responded: “We are not planning any tests such as wind tunnel or vibration tests before we launch it. That is what the test flight is for.” What an idiot.
He confirmed that it was his intention for the Nova capsule to be launched on a 3,050-metre (10,000-ft) shake-down mission by a cluster of commercially available rocket motors all strapped together. If he gets into that capsule and lights the rockets it will be, bye, bye, Bennett
Richard Osborne told BBC News Online that the rockets Mr Bennett was using each had a burn-time of six seconds, and if they all fired together would subject him and his capsule to high G-forces that they might not be able to withstand.
Even Steve Bennett’s own team are surprised. Gubir Singhe (Jeff wonky face), from Starchaser Industries, the rocketeer’s own company, told BBC News Online that the mission was “somewhat ambitious”. Pete Davy, of Pete’s Rockets, where many British rocket enthusiasts get their rockets, was more blunt: “If he gets into that capsule and lights the rockets it will be, bye, bye, Bennett.” But, despite these warnings, the Bennett launch schedule goes ahead. “I will be the first private astronaut,” he said. Well you weren’t Bennett you arrogant wanker.
But has Bennett got the “right stuff” to go into space? He is an accomplished bin-bag parachutist but it will take more than that. In particular, training in a centrifuge will be needed so that he, and any passengers, can learn how to cope with the considerable G-forces, higher than those experienced on Nasa’s space shuttle.
Steve Bennett: “I will be the first private astronaut” “I’ve only been in a centrifuge briefly when I took a ride in the one at Nasa’s Johnson Space Center,” Steve Bennett said. “I’ll need more time. I’ll probably have to go to Russia for that.” But Nasa denies he has been anywhere near their centrifuge and Singhe said that no centrifuge training had taken place. So more bullshit from this idiot.
In the media, Steve Bennett has been called “Britain’s answer to Nasa”. Indeed, on his website, Bennett cites Nasa as one of his official sponsors. Nasa denies this and when this was pointed out, Bennett said: “Er, that might be an exaggeration, I’ll look into that.” Again, more bullshit
Starchaser Industries says that the Thunderbird will be launched using a “single, dependable, liquid-propellant engine”. In the past, armed forces and space agencies have sweated over such engines, spending many years and enormous sums on them. He has absolutely no chance of the X-Prize. Please don’t launch says John Bonsor. But according to Singhe, the sweating at Starchaser Industries has yet to begin, despite the launch date being less than 100 weeks away. He said that little work had been done on the liquid-fuelled rocket. “This is an aspiration. There are a couple of students looking at it,” he said.
Bennett however, says something different: “I have the first prototype engine on the desk in front of me (Yet again more bullshit). We plan to test it on a military site later this year.” Rocket experts are somewhat puzzled by this, as Bennett has been banned, and caused all other rocketeers to be banned from military launch ranges, after he set fire to one when a rocket failed on launch a few years ago.
All agree that if Bennett is to get into space, and win the coveted $10 million X-Prize for the first private individual or company to do so, he will have to raise his game. Bennett’s crowning achievement so far is “launching a rocket to 20,000 ft (6096 m) that we believe is capable of going to 120,000 ft (36576 m). In fact, I lead the field,” he told BBC News Online. But Pete Davy is unimpressed: “For £30 you can put together a rocket that will reach 5,000 ft (1524 m). Sending a rocket to 20,000 ft (6096 m) can be done for less than £1,000.” The current British amateur rocket altitude record is 34,579 ft (10,540 m).
John Bonsor, of Starr, a Scottish rocketry group is puzzled. “I don’t understand what is happening. He has been using cheap rockets, has a mixed bag of success and disaster and has achieved less than many others have working from their garage. It is ridiculous to claim that he leads the field, except in the number of crashes.” “I’ve come from nothing to being the leading contender in the X-Prize,” counters Bennett.
“Only if he reinvents the laws of physics,” replies Bonsor. “He has absolutely no chance of the X-Prize. Please don’t launch.”
Bennett’s reply? “Just watch me. ‘Seeing is believing’, I say to my critics.”
Listen, Bennett, you arrogant little piece of shit. Who the fuck do you think you are trying to take legal action against the BBC for publishing a story that is the absolute truth about you, you fucking wanker.
| Latest News: I have recieved over eighty emails of support so far and its only been going a month |
| Supportive emails: Here is a short selection of emails I have recievedSubject: Starchaser is a Joke
Dear Morris,
Thanks for building this web space its really good to know that someone is willing to challenge Bennett who has the unfortunate habit of appearing in the local press from time to time.
The fact that these idiots think that they can build a spaceship in one of the units on the Dukinfield industrial site is ludicrous to say the least. Incidentally it’s near Bennett Street, in which I reckon that Steve Bennett probably tells visitors that the council named it after him.
Good work
Mike
Subject: The wrong right stuff
Hi Anti Starchaser, this web site is really good in terms of content as it lets people know the truth; I like the pictures of the rocket engines especially. The rumour down the pub is that Starchaser Industries is in financial difficultly.
I suppose its one of the brighter side of the worsening state of the UK economy is that without funding they will disappear. Oh yeah for the competition I would have to say the answer to Steve’s IQ is D, Below 20 or an Idiot with profound retardation:). LOL Grinning Bob saluting soon to be departed of this Earth Astronauts and the “you don’t wear a condom unless you’re going to have intercourse analogy”.
Maybe we could get a petition going to close down Starchaser?
Thanks
Webley
Subject: Good work,
Good Job Morris,
I suppose when you surround yourself with idiots like Steve Bennett has done then it’s easier to convince your self of your own lunacy. You talk about Steve being patronising in that BBC2 documentary, I went to a business alliance dinner a few months ago and the garbage that was coming out of his mouth such as we are going to do this, we are going to do that, but he hasn’t actually done anything. He also patronised the chairman and all of the audience at one point by saying that some businesses are made and some are engineered, implying that his business which is more like a charity was precision engineered and that our businesses were only made by luck.
Well I can tell you that my two hairdresser’s salons are far more profitable and don’t rely on hand outs from people to keep going. The equation I think should be:
An Inferiority Disorder + Rockets x Idiots Backing You Up = Steve Bennett’s Starchaser Industries
Yours Sincerely,
Jodie
Subject: Manchester we have a problem
Ground control to Major Morris, I stumbled across your web site after visiting the Starchaser site a few weeks ago. I have to admit that at first I was impressed with what goes on at Starchaser Industries that I realised that it is, as you say utter Bull Shit.
Although some of the anecdotes that you place on this site can sometimes go a little too far, I do believe that it does bring the reality of the situation over well. I would not be at all surprised if Starchaser did try and make windows for a capsule from SB’s wives shaving mirror.
If you think about it, the space programme is run by a complex government sector that will one day be opened up by private enterprise, but not by these jokers.
Over and out
Anon
Maybe someone will take Bennett out one day but with a shotgun, hopefully.
When this web site gets back to Bennett and rather than diplomacy he emails me calling me a f**king c**k sucker and then invites me to go around to Starchaser HQ where he will kick my f**king head in, then I will post that email on this page also.
Time Travel website Introduction
So when times were hard and money was tight, I need a way to make an extra income, perhaps going into business as a window washer or prehaps get an evening job as a pizza delivery man maybe? But then it hit me I know well if Starchaser Industries with as much technical competence as Frank Spencer can convince people that they are capable of travelling into space, then I might as well use the same rules and I am 1,000,000% confident that I can build a time machine. Who says that Einstein is right about everything, I’ve been doing some serious research such as watching films/television shows such as:
o Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure;
o Time bandits;
o The amazing adventures of Professor Wangstein;
o Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey;
o Back to the future part I;
o International Man of Mystery Austin Powers 2;
o The Time Machine (The version from the fifties where the Morlock’s looked like Jimmy Savile)
o Star Trek the next generation (The episode when that guy travels back in time to steal USS Enterprise technology);
o The Flash Gordon Film (OK they didn’t travel through time but I wanted to mimic the camp effect to convince more people that I am an eccentric time traveller), Also that scene when Timothy Dalton runs into a control room and says “get back you bloody bastards!” is very funny. Also whatever did happen to Sam Jones the guy that played Flash Gordon?
Figure 1. Ultra top secret time machine construction facility, now with new roof slates and the time machine made from cardboard boxes found behind Booker cash and carry
And I will undercut Starchaser Industries by charging a mere £12 per year for membership. So my Top Secret research centre which is really my garden shed will soon be manufacturing a time machine that can travel back in time up to six times per day. I will make the vehicle from an old phone box and an umbrella, plus I will bring along a blond who will act as my assistant. I am also offering a unique Time traveller training programme and for the price of £500.00 per trip I will take advanced bookings. Training will come in five phases:
o Phase 1: Day One: Looking intellectual and generally looking weird training: Cheshire Public Library (really a time traveller adjustment centre);
o Phase 2: Day Two: What to do if I see a relative of mine from the past? training: Holster Community Centre (really a super secret briefing facility);
o Phase 3: Day Three: Time traveller advanced training, including how to stand on one leg for five minutes and how to run around a field in four minutes;
o Phase 4: Day Four: Exams (50% to pass) all exams are multiple choice either Yes or No with twenty questions 60% will have the answer Yes;
o Phase 5: By this time you should have grown a pretty reasonable beard (including female time travellers) and be well on your way forward or backward in time;
You can also invest in my business, as I will be travelling into the future and collecting thing such as hover boards and finding the results for horse racing back in the twenty first century (Like BTTF part 2).
Figure 2. Some how I will create a time vortex, like the one shown here (probably involving rice crispies somewhere)
Wow as I was writing that I was starting to feel a little delusional, which is what Bennett probably feels like about 80% of the time before he realises that its all fake and he can’t stop crying and shaking (worse than Frank Butcher on that episode of Eastenders when he asked for Pat to take him back) after knowing the repercussions of the nightmare that he has gotten himself into. Also when people find out its all fake and how angry they will be then Bennett will probably want to stand in front of one of his rocket engines which is just a big flamethrower and cook himself to death. I am not looking forward to the smell of melted hog fat on that day but will be glad of Bennett’s demise. I also hope to book that bimbo trollop Michelle Marsh to rub her tits and arse on my time machine and generate a whole host of interest among dad’s.
 
Figure 3. I promise that we will have adventures like they did in time tunnel as well as in Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure
However, there will also be a training, which will include self defence (how to kick time enemies in the balls) and the round house kick to the face training.
Figure 4. However, not all enemies will be so easy to counter (after much scientific research I believe that Davros does not have any testicles as his lower torso is a machine)
So what are you waiting for, send me an email TODAY to find out more.
For your chance to win the first ride on my first time trip back to the time of the Dinosaurs you will need to answer the following question:
Look at this picture to help you answer it (the blank look on his face and you can tell by the eyes that there is nothing much going on in that head)
Q. What is Steve Bennett’s IQ and mental deficiency?
A. Between 70 and 80 = Borderline deficiency (Mild Retardation)*
B. Between 50 and 69 = Moron (Moderate Retardation)*
C. Between 20 and 49 = Imbecile (Severe Retardation)*
D. Below 20 = Idiot (Profound Retardation)*
* Please note that I have used the appropriate US medical classification system of intelligence
Please post your entry to me on the back of a postcard to:
Martin Morris
123 Fake Street
Fake Town
Fake Postcode
Martin.Morris1965@o2.co.uk |
You are visitor number 32,761
Last updated 23/12/2008
| Latest News: Latest Starchaser Rocket Engine made from 16% egg box products |
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Anyway you can’t sue me because I’ve got no F**king Money :0) |
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